It doesn’t take long in quarantine for us to take a long hard look at the walls of our homes and go, “when can I get out of here?” Claustrophobia may start to set in as our normal ways of life have been taken away. For many of us, those routines and resources haven’t been replaced with certain concrete paths but rather questions, and this is actually called ambiguous loss.

These losses leave the mind spinning in “what if’s,” “maybe one-day’s,” and all sorts of questions that can’t be answered because closure seems impossible to find. It’s grief with no real way forward. When this happens, it tends to complicate our experience of grief and sometimes prolong us from working through the grief.

Let me describe some of the questions that may be circling in our minds in our current COVID-19 reality.

• The Loss of Normalcy. “What am I going to do all day?” or “How are we going to survive or be anywhere in the realm of productive in the house all together?”
• The Loss of a Sense of Safety. “When will it be safe to go to…the park, the grocery store, shopping areas, a movie theatre, or even a restaurant?” “How am I going to provide for myself or my family?”
• The Loss of Celebration. “Will I get to have a graduation?” “When will my family be able to get together again to celebrate….birthday’s, anniversaries, family historical moments, births, and even deaths?” All of these have become moments lost in COVID-19 time.

So, how can we respond to these losses? What can we do to work through them? Here are some tips for you to consider:

1. Acknowledge This IS In pain and discomfort we often want to just move past it, but this avoidance is as dangerous to our emotional health as a driver running a stop sign. Instead, we can work to practice the art of acknowledgment by “[Being] still and {knowing} that He is God” (Psalm 46:10). Here, allow yourself to name each of your losses, letting them each take their turn. The feelings that you have and your experiences are important to God, so much so that he invites you to “cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7). Our anxiety tends to dissipate and calm down under His kind, compassionate eyes. Though we can’t change our normalcy to what it once was at this time, in the stillness of acknowledgement of the pain in light of God, our grief starts to move to a good rhythm instead of feeling cluttered, lost or trapped in time.
   
   
2. Practice Self-Compassion. Self-compassion is the essence of grace and the practice of letting grace transform your life. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:9: “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” With whatever you are facing today, His grace towards you is a gift that can even transform our perspective and disposition towards ourselves. He encourages us to, “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”(Colossians 3:12). Clothe your mind like you would your body, with thoughts filled with grace, such as:

• “You are doing the best you can in an incredibly challenging time that was outside your control.”
• “It’s ok to pause and mourn the loss of a sense of normalcy, and actually it will do my body some good if I can pause and acknowledge before moving on.”

Another member of our counseling team wrote a wonderful blog on self-compassion that I would highly recommend you check out for more information. 

3. Take Hold of our Spiritual Strength. With any of these types of ambiguous losses, one coping skill that research has proven helps calm the waves of uncertainty is found in our faith and spiritual values. Pillars such as Psalm 46: 1“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble” deepens our faith during difficult times. Faith has a way of serving our souls like a shelter in the midst of a raging storm. Though we may not have all the answers to our questions, at least right now, faith offers us an unchanging resource to tap into with powerful messages such as:

• You are not alone—"The Lordyour God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing” (Zeph 3:17).
• God sees me, loves me, and is with me even when these things are happening to me—"But those who hope in the Lordwill renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint” (Isaiah 40:31).
• God can even use this hardship to shape me in positive, transformational ways—"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).

All of those messages bring us a sense of comfort when we are faced with adversity and uncertainty. It is there that you can find security in something higher than medical supplies or aisles filled with food. It is there that you can make meaningful routines that keep you grounded and taking things one day at a time, surrendering the things we can’t control and taking ownership where we can.

4. Find A Way to Celebrate What Was Lost
   We have all lost some sort of celebration during this time, and we can encourage one another as well as deepen and strengthen our relationships with one by finding ways to make up for what was lost. Scripture calls us to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). One way you can do that is by creating some “Redo’s” for post-quarantine life. This will not only help us identify what we are experiencing, but it will give us something to dream about, look forward to, and create. One of our team members, Amanda Tipps, gave parents some great ideas to do this in her blog.

Extra Resources

Tips on grounding yourself in uncertainty, check out Sarah Walters, LPC blog  

How to Manage Your Mental Health during the COVID-19 Season, Staci Reichmanis, LPC blog.

For more information on Grief, check out this website: https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html

Many of you have already experienced the drastic care restrictions that have been put in place to help dampen the spread of COVID-19. The simple acts of visiting in the hospital, bringing flowers or a special treat, or being able to consult with the doctors in person have currently been stripped away. Now we yearn for the experience of being overly tired from a terrible night’s stay in those uncomfortable hospital sofas or hungry for “real food” after eating hospital meals for days.

When our physical ability to be with one another is taken away, it can create some very real experiences: a sense of helplessness and overwhelming guilt. In a world of a lot of “can not’s” there are some really helpful things you still “can” do and truths we “can” hold onto when we are caring for those we love who are sick.

1. You can remember there is nothing you could have done to prevent the illness of your loved one. In grief, our minds can become trapped and even haunted by “what if” questions such as, “if I would have only left the house 5 minutes earlier, gone to a different store, or disinfected the house one more time…” These questions are so natural to start asking, but can quickly encourage us to assume more responsibility on our own shoulders than we can muster. The more we entertain those questions, the more guilt and shame we start to internalize for what has happened.
   
   I want to tell you two truths. The first truth is of reality, that there is nothing you could have done on this earth to prevent this virus from getting to where it is today. It’s awful that we (you) are experiencing this, but you could not cause this to happen to your loved one. The second truth is Biblical: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Precious one, allow God’s love take away any unneeded, excess guilt you may be feeling and replace that with His sovereignty and His love.
   
   
2. You can and need to stay connected to your loved ones. Though there is no equal replacement to being with our loved ones in person, thanks be to God for the technology of our time. Hebrews 3:13 reminds us of the necessity of community when it states:  But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today,’ so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” In our isolation, our fears can get the best of us, can’t they? But by staying in contact with one another, we are reminded of Truth and encouraged to face the day with love over fear.
   
   
3. You can stay in community and pray. Community and prayer are two major resources we can still tap into! In our current state, the temptation is to isolate ourselves or fear we might overburden one another by sharing what’s going on. Galatians 6:2 says,“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” We are truly being the hands and feet of Jesus when we look upon the needs of one another with compassion and pray specifically, on behalf of one another, for the Lord to come alongside and fulfill those needs. The good news is this act of community isn’t broken by physical separation. There is something incredibly powerful about our love for one another that transcends the physical space and time and brings us into a spiritual, emotional space together. This space cannot be taken away, and it is the space we can receive and give comfort, encouragement, and support to one another. Express those needs to a trusting community for us to rally around one another.
   
   
4. You can do reparative work on your relationships, even over FaceTime. One of those diamonds in the rough of a crisis is the gift of perspective on what is most important. Our relationships channels can get clogged with bitterness, resentment, and distance quite easily, and often times we have been stuck here in this state for years. But now would be a perfect time to reach back out to those you love, even those who are hard to love, and express the love that you have for them.

Scripture encourages us to “be filled with the Spirit, speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit” (Ephesians 5:18-19). So many of us have affectionate thoughts towards our loved ones, but we haven’t been in the practice of saying those sentiments out loud to one another. Those words left unsaid is what contributes to the experience of regret. Do your relationships a favor and try to get your relationships as “clean” and filled with love as possible.

5. Find ways to serve others. Another encouragement I would give you is to find ways to encourage and support those around you. Paul encouraged us in Galatians 5:13, “serve one another humbly in love,” for through our service, we are living out the freedom that we receive in Christ. Whether you can find a way to encourage the nurse/doctor staff caring for your loved one or serving a neighbor, these acts of service can allow us to feel that we still can be a source of care to others. Giving back is an empowering experience that allows us to feel that we are giving back to others and reciprocating the love and community we are receiving.

Gregory, Christina, PhD. (2020) The five stages of grief: an examination of the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model. Retrieved from https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html

Grief and loss is a challenge to process through in the best of conditions, but in this COVID-19 time, it has complicated and even eliminated our normative rituals that are important to us and help us grieve the loss of those who have died. And right now the question is how can we really celebrate the life of our loved ones who have died?

That unanswered question can make us feel like we have to answer 100’s of questions all at the same time. To help you navigate you through this journey, I wanted to offer you some thoughts from Scripture as well as from grief experts Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

1. Start Now, Don’t Wait: Being in quarantine offers additional challenges to the grieving process, but it is important for you to find a personal way to celebrate the life of your loved one in the here and now. David Kessler writes: "There's something important about grieving when grief first hits. People who don't have these rituals seem to have more trouble grieving" (LaMotte, 2020). Scripture also invites us to draw near to God with our sorrow, not postponing the feelings but rather embracing them. And when we don’t know what to say, Scripture reminds us, “the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans” (Romans 8:26). Grief is very difficult to put into words, but one practice people have told me has been helpful for them is creating a loss box. Fill this box with items, memorabilia, letters, or photos that represent treasured memories with your loved one. You can even do this practice with your family members and kids in your home. These items can help us connect to the loved one, in the here and now, as you work to find a meaningful way to celebrate their life and grieve their loss.
   
   
2. Include All You Can in The Celebration: Though we may not be able to host a funeral or memorial right now, with whatever ceremony you create right now, try to include all the people possible. There is something transformative about being together. Scripture describes this when it says: “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power,together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:18). When we gather all together, whether online or in person, we not only experience love from one another but we supernaturally feel the fullness of the love of Christ. With technology, you can host via Zoom or creating multiple digital groups to come attend the celebration at staggered times.  

3. Tell and Share Stories with the Key People: Storytelling has long been a tradition in families that deepens our connection between one another and allows our influence to pass across the generations. David, the Psalmist, wrote, “I shall remember the deeds of the LORD; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old” (Psalm 77:11), for it is through remembrance that we are rejuvenated with truths from our memories that reconnect us back to God and to one another. In this space our internal experience transforms to gratitude as we recognize the lifelong gifts that person gave us. With those key loved ones, find a way to share stories, memories, and your own grief experience. You can make an open forum (such as a Facebook group) where you can all share stories and photos of your loved one who has died. It is also helpful on a community level as well because it allows us to share in memories of our loved one through the eyes of someone else.
   
   
4. Write Letters to the Deceased: Scripture is filled with collections of letters that Paul wrote to encourage, course-correct, and empower believers across the world. In grief, the practice of letter writing can be a vehicle to encourage us and restore conversations that we wish we could have repaired. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross suggests: "Write a letter every day, before you go to bed. Talk to the loved one and just say, 'This is what I wish I could have said to you.' By doing that, you are finishing some of the business that you weren't able to do" (LaMotte, 2020).

5. Cope with Your Guilt: This unique season of grief is going to be complicated by the fact that our loved one was isolated, and we may fear they felt unsupported by us. But we can have hope that though we were not physically able to be in the same room with one another, we were able to remain emotionally and spiritually there for them and with them. Just like our relationship with Jesus, though we physically can’t see Him, He promises us in Matthew 28:20, “…surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” So we can rest in knowing God went before us and our love continued to surround our loved ones where our physical bodies could not go yet yearned to be.

6. Talk to Your Community: Often times death can bring some of the unresolved pieces to the surface. Sometimes it can bring with it spiritual doubt, questions about our own purpose or resurface unresolved hardships we’ve experienced. Scripture encourages us to “be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). It takes humility to be vulnerable, especially in a time where closed doors encourage us to be reclusive. But when we allow one another to express our fears, thoughts, and concerns, we create an opportunity for authentic community to transpire and help lift us up in our time of need. 

7. Join a Support Group: Staying connected to our families and friends is incredibly valuable, but since we are very linked to our families emotions, there are times when we feel we need our own space to process this away from everyone else. Support groups can be that space you are seeking and help you find others who are sharing in this experience. As a church, we are offering support groups for that very purpose. 

Winston’s Wish (2020). How to use a memory box with bereaved children. Retrieved from https://www.winstonswish.org/how-to-use-a-memory-box-with-bereaved-children-and-young-people/.

LaMotte, Sandee (2020) Grief and fear after a Covid-19 death: Managing a double trauma. Retrieved from https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cnn.com/cnn/2020/04/01/health/grief-fear-coronavirus-wellness/index.html.

During this COVID-19 quarantine, we are all experiencing losses of many kinds — the loss of celebrations, such of graduations and weddings; the loss of significant ceremonies, such as funerals; the loss of jobs and income; and the loss of everyday stability, such as routines. With loss comes both grief and emotions. Watch this video for some insight into how to manage the grief and emotions you're likely faced with during this time.